


Everything Comes Back To You

by RedCoral



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Episode Related, Happy Ending, Language, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, after episode 4 on the school's rooftop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8693797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedCoral/pseuds/RedCoral
Summary: "I think I figured out a way for us to hang out." That’s what Lukas said. But what if that’s not what Philip wanted to do?--“Why would I help you with anything?” Philip asked him incredulously.“Because you know I like you,” Lukas said. Yeah, Philip’s heard that before. Didn’t make much difference, now did it? “And I think I figured out a way for us to keep hanging out.”Lukas hugged him for a moment and Philip savored it because he couldn’t go on like this. This push-pull kind of game between them had to stop.  Philip had to stop, because even this hug stung, even this hug made him feel used; just another way for Lukas to rope him back in. He couldn’t do this anymore. “What if I don’t want to?” Philip said in the crook of Lukas’ neck. He meant to push him away, but he wasn’t ready to let go. If this hug was all he was going to get, he didn’t want it to end.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> This is my first fic for this fandom and ever since I started watching the show I somehow connected with it in such an intricate way, that I couldn't help myself. I love Philip and Lukas, what can I do?
> 
> Ever since episode four the scene on the rooftop where Lukas told him about havng sex with Rose, I was so frustrated with Lukas that I needed to write this. So, this is basically Philip standing up for himself, and just stops hurting himseld and gives them both space to figure their shit out until Lukas is ready for something more. 
> 
> The title comes from the song This Town by Niall Horan.
> 
> I swear there's a happy ending! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Eyewitness or its characters.
> 
> Enjoy!

Philip was in the car waiting for Helen to bring them coffee when he got the message. Lukas wanted to meet him on the rooftop before class, didn’t say why. He didn’t text back. He’d get there when he’d get there. Helen was warmer now towards him that she knew the truth and Philip felt more comfortable around her than he did before. She wasn’t trying to replace the mother he already had and Philip appreciated that. But she wanted to be there for him, spend time with him, talk to him, care for him. Philip wasn’t sure he was ready to let her do all those, but it was nice having someone there for once. Even though he didn’t know for how long they’d be around.

After Helen let him put the music on and she started driving, Philip stared with an almost smile on his face as she tried to mouth the lyrics to the hip hop song that was playing on the radio. He shook his head and stared out the window for the rest of the drive to school, unable to stop his mind from thinking about Lukas again.

Philip liked him. He liked him a lot. But Lukas was… complicated. Lukas felt things he didn’t understand how it was possible to feel and he was having a hard time dealing with that on top of the triple murder they witnessed. Philip understood that. He’s been through that. But he never used somebody in his quest to find himself like Lukas was doing. And wasn’t that the bitter truth… Philip felt used. He felt like Lukas’ dirty secret and he never meant to become that.

Lukas did not just push him away every time something became too ‘gay’ for him. He insulted who he was, demeaned everything he stood for with words he didn’t really believe. But then Lukas would spurt out a truth that would trap Philip right where he was, unable to fight Lukas’ hold, just like a siren’s song. Philip knew he would get hurt. Lukas kissed him and then hit him just because he didn’t want to be seen with the gay kid at school. He tried to have sex with him right after for God’s sake. There was no other way this could end. Philip was only delaying the inevitable by keeping this on. But even the thought of letting him go made him lose his breath. The question was, could Philip bear the pain the unknown was going to bring?

There were so many factors Philip needed to consider to answer that question. Would the unknown bring humiliation, pain, fear, rejection, abandonment? All of the above? Would only Lukas make him feel those or would Helen and Gabe be involved?

When Philip came in the small town of Tivoli, he thought he had nothing left to lose and suddenly he was trying not to lose count of the things he gained.

 

* * *

 

He could see Lukas pacing around near the edge of the rooftop. Once he got there, Lukas was typing on his phone. Philip felt the vibration that signaled he had a text message. He didn’t bother seeing it. He knew it was from Lukas. He was here now. “Hey, I got your text. What’s up?” he asked, his face blank. Lukas was obviously angry about something.

Lukas looked at him with an angry frown, “Why’s Helen driving you to school all of a sudden?”

Philip knew this wasn’t what this meeting was about, but he didn’t like Lukas’ implications either. “I don’t know,” he said as nonchalantly as he knew how. “Maybe ‘cause I finally told her stuff?” he couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice. What? He couldn’t bond with his foster family now?

Apparently sarcasm didn’t really help the case, because that got Lukas even more jumpy than he already was. “You told her what we saw?”

“No,” Philip looked at him as if he was stupid “I told her that I’m gay.” He hadn’t told anybody about what they saw so far. Lukas had no reason to doubt that.

Lukas looked confused then. “Why?” he asked after a moment.

Philip looked at him and said, “Why not?” But of course, Lukas’ mind was running a hundred miles ahead already having reached unfounded conclusions of his own.

“Shit. Now they think I’m gay too?” he panicked.

Philip was quick to shut that down, because, “No. Now they think that you’re a homophobic bully, which you are.” Philip looked at him confident in his reply and he saw it got to Lukas. Somehow, it hurt him but it was the truth. He punched the gay kid just for talking to him, didn’t he? Philip was tired of this. “What are we doing up here?” he asked. “What’s going on?”

He was met with Lukas’ panic again. “People are talking about us ditching together.”

Philip had an easy solution to that. He shrugged as he said, “Okay, then don’t hang out with me anymore.” It would hurt. But it wouldn’t be anything different, right? After all, at school they were nothing to each other. How hard could it be to be nothing the rest of the day too?

“Oh, I’m not going to,” Lukas readily agreed. It stung. Philip was used to it though. “But that’s not going to fix it,” Lukas went on. “If they’re all saying stuff, I need it to stop.”

“Okay,” Philip nodded. He understood that aspect of the issue. No one enjoyed being discussed behind their backs, even though Philip stopped caring about what people said about him a long time ago. But he couldn’t help being bitter for what Lukas was truly asking here. “Okay, so you, you want me to tell everyone that you didn’t kiss me in the cabin, or at the club,” he could see Lukas didn’t like throwing everything like that out in the open, things that have happened but they never really talked about before, but he went on, “and none of it happened, none of it’s real, is that-is that what you want me to do, go and make a big announcement to everyone?”

“You’re an asshole,” was all Lukas said.

Philip almost lost it right then and there. Yeah, he was being a sarcastic asshole. That was the only way he could defend what he cherished because for him, for Philip all of it had been real even if every time Lukas pushed him away it tore him apart. So, yeah, who was the real asshole here? “Yeah,” Philip nodded, “I’m the asshole.”

Lukas agreed, “Yeah, you are.”

Philip nodded again, as if he expected nothing different from him and looked away. If he was such an asshole, then what was Lukas doing here on the school’s rooftop in the first place? Why did he even text him to come here instead of ignoring him like he was so good at doing?

He felt Lukas look at him. He heard him take a breath and then he said, “I’m going to have sex with Rose.”

Seriously? Did he have to twist the knife deeper every time he saw him? He didn’t look back at him. His face was carefully blank, but his eyes might show more than Philip’s ready to if he saw whatever expression Lukas had on right now. “Did you seriously drag me all the way up here just to tell me that?” He was angry now, so he looked at the other guy. Maybe Lukas would take a hint this time.

“No,” Lukas sighed. “I need your help with something.”

Of course he didn’t take the hint. Why would he? It’s not like he cared about Philip, did he? “Why would I help you with anything?” Philip asked him incredulously.

“Because you know I like you,” Lukas said. Yeah, Philip’s heard that before. Didn’t make much difference, now did it? “And I think I figured out a way for us to keep hanging out.”

 God, he looked so earnest at that moment, he really did. Lukas believed he could keep on hanging out with Philip, but if whatever his plan was, involved Lukas having sex with Rose, then Philip knew that hanging out would be in secret. It would mean hiding who they were from the world, from themselves. And that was not the life Philip wanted to lead, even though he wanted at the moment to lead it with Lukas.

Lukas hugged him for a moment and Philip savored it because he couldn’t go on like this. This push-pull kind of game between them had to stop.  Philip had to stop, because even this hug stung, even this hug made him feel used; just another way for Lukas to rope him back in. He couldn’t do this anymore. Either Lukas wanted him or not. He wasn’t asking for him to come out or anything. He was willing to give him as much time as he needed to figure out whatever was going on in his head. But this, Lukas cheating on Rose with him, running to Philip every time he had something to say but not when Philip wanted him to, hearing derogatory things about being ‘that guy’, it wasn’t fair to either of them. Or Rose. Not that he cared particularly about her, but she didn’t deserve this. Neither did Philip. “What if I don’t want to?” Philip said in the crook of Lukas’ neck. He meant to push him away, but he wasn’t ready to let go. If this hug was all he was going to get, he didn’t want it to end.

He needn’t worry though, as Lukas pushed back in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Philip put his hands in his hoodie’s pockets and said, “I mean I don’t want to hang out with you anymore.”

Lukas clenched his jaw with anger, but he didn’t fight back. “Fine,” he said and took a step back. He refused to look at Philip after that.

Philip nodded. It was done. It was over. Somehow, he didn’t know what his last words to Lukas should be. He couldn’t come up with anything. So, he scuffed his shoe to the ground once, and walked away. As he was going down the ladder, Philip heard pebbles hitting the floor, but he didn’t let that stop him. He pursed his lips and kept on going down. Soon, it would all go back to normal. Lukas was going to ignore him like he usually did and Philip was going to try not to stare too much at him from the distance.

Needless to say, things didn’t go back to normal.

Lukas did ignore him, but it was as if something had changed now that he didn’t have a Lukas-shaped cloud over him. Word got out fast that for some reason Lukas and Philip has stopped interacting. People stopped calling him a stalker and somebody actually invited him to sit with him during lunch.

He was walking through the lunch room to go outside and find the tree he usually sat at during this period, when someone called out to him.

“Hey! Philip, right?”

Philip turned around then and raised an eyebrow at a guy who was looking at him with a smile on his face. To be honest, he wasn’t used to such treatment here. “Yeah,” he said, waiting for the guy to go on.

“I’m Greg,” he said pointing at himself, as if it wasn’t obvious who he was talking about. “We have history together?”

Yeah, Philip remembered him now.  He was not loud, like the jocks who craved attention. But Philip had heard him once or twice laughing with his friends. He hadn’t paid much attention.

Greg must have seen the recognition on his face, because he asked, “Wanna sit with me?”

Philip looked at him as if he was trying to figure him out. Truthfully he was. He was a good-looking guy, with chestnut hair, green eyes and a kind expression on his face. He figured he wasn’t being pranked, so why not? “Sure,” he shrugged and took a seat.

Turns out, talking to Greg was easier than he imagined.

 

* * *

 

Greg was nothing like Lukas. He wasn’t particularly invested in sports; preferred comic books instead, laughed freely and treated Philip just like any other friend would. Two weeks later during lunch Greg asked, “Are you gay?” and Philip froze thinking this was it. This was going to be the day Greg showed his true colors that revealed him as a homophobe like the rest of them were and Philip would pay the price for it.

Greg must have sensed his panic somehow, because he immediately touched his arm and said, “I mean, it doesn’t matter if you are or not or whatever. I’m bisexual, personally, so I don’t really have any grounds to judge. I just, I saw you looking at Waldenbeck a lot and I figured there might be something going on.” He shrugged and cringed at the same time at his own conclusion. Philip had honestly never seen someone do that before.

It was true. Lukas was like a magnet for him and when he was close Philip couldn’t help but stare. Lukas never acknowledged him, but Philip still felt that pain in his belly every time he looked at him. Sometimes he wondered if Lukas had ever felt that about him. “Yeah, I’m gay,” he said avoiding Greg’s eyes. He hadn’t met someone so far that was open about their sexuality. But Greg was about his, and Philip relaxed as he did the same. He looked at where Lukas was, briefly. He was sitting at the table with the other popular kids, Rose sitting on his lap talking to one of her friends and laughing. Lukas wasn’t involved in any conversation. He just looked disinterested. But Philip could see the dark circles under his eyes. His nightmares probably were still haunting him. Philip shook his head. There was nothing he could do about that anymore. “There’s nothing going on with him. He’s a homophobic bully like the rest of them.”

Greg simply shrugged at him, as if the answer didn’t make much of a difference and continued to tell him about the latest comic book he bought from two towns over.

It all changed that Friday. Greg invited him to hang out at his house. They were standing at Philip’s locker at the time. They were paired up for a project for their History class and Greg thought it was a good idea to do that at his house and then they could watch a movie or something. Philip turned around for a second and searched for Lukas with his eyes. He found him having cornered Rose against his locker engaging her in what seemed like a passionate kiss. Lukas didn’t seem that into it afterwards, but Rose was smiling like a loon. He couldn’t believe it’s been almost three weeks and he still felt that pain. He turned to Greg then and said, “Yeah, sure.”

They had just finished most of their work when Philip pointed at a shelf above them at what looked like dolls and said, “What’s that?”

Greg looked around at what he was pointing at and he started blushing for some reason, “They’re, uh, my DC figurines.”

Philip didn’t really have an opinion of them, so he just shrugged and said “Cool.”

Greg gave him a strange look as if he were expecting a much stronger reaction. Philip raised an eyebrow at him and Greg said, “Aren’t you going to say that they’re lame or something, like, you’re too old for dolls or anything like that?”

“They’re figurines,” Philip said and Greg laughed. “I mean,” Philip smirked, “they look like dolls, but…”

Greg laughed even more at that but stopped after a moment and said with a smirk of his own, “They’re figurines, okay?”

Philip raised his hands in defeat, smirk still obvious on his face, as he said, “If you say so.” Somehow the smirk on Greg’s face turned into a soft smile and Philip tensed because he knew what was going to happen and he didn’t know how he felt about that.

Greg shook his head minutely, as if he had been lost in his own thoughts for a moment and moved closer to Philip. Philip looked at him vigilantly and when Greg said, “Can I just-” he didn’t even give Philip time to lean back before his lips connected with his own. Philip froze and closed his eyes as a knee-jerk reaction, but all he saw was Lukas. He closed his eyes and he secretly wished Lukas was the one kissing him right now, trying to pry his lips open.  As fast as they came, just as fast they were gone and Philip was left blinking in surprise while Greg panicked, “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean-”

Philip connected his lips with his before he could finish. He pulled back just to say, “Don’t be,” and then dived right back in. He wanted to stop thinking about Lukas. He wanted to stop seeing Lukas every time he closed his eyes. He wanted to stop feeling things for Lukas when he didn’t exist for him anymore. He just wanted him gone from his mind, his life, his heart, his stomach. He kissed Greg like he was trying to push all thoughts of Lukas away just with the force of that kiss. He felt Greg grab his face to keep him in place and Philip put a hand in his hair. The moan he got as a reply sounded wrong, foreign and Philip had to stop. He looked at Greg and knew that Lukas wouldn’t be gone in one night. But maybe… maybe Greg could help speed up the process.

“Comic books are stupid,” Philip said. He didn’t know why he said that, he didn’t believe that, and Greg didn’t believe it either. Maybe he just wanted to piss him off. Maybe if Greg walked away on his own Philip wouldn’t feel bad about making him his rebound guy without him knowing it.

“No, they’re not,” Greg said. “I saw how you looked at Batman,” he smirked.

“Whatever,” Philip said with a smile. Greg would help him forget. He had to. That’s why Philip kissed him again.

 

* * *

 

Going out with Greg did not change anything. Actually, it made things even worse. Greg was sweet and Philip never did do sweet. He was cheerful and sometimes Philip had no idea where that positive energy had come from when all he knew was pain and sadness as he had watched his own mother waste away. Sure, there were a few happy moments, like when his mother remembered his birthday and wasn’t high as a kite. But those moments could be counted on the fingers of one hand. Greg was understanding of Philip’s silences at days when the weight of the world was simply too much to bear. He didn’t push to know, and even if he did, Philip had no idea what to say; I witnessed a triple homicide and the killer murdered friends of ours because he thought the guy was me? And that was just one of the secrets.

Greg didn’t listen to Philip’s rambles about photography; he wasn’t really interested. He always changed the subject by kissing him silent.

Every time he went out all he saw was Lukas. It was Saturday the first time Lukas looked back at him. He was on the bench outside the bakery with Rose, and Helen had told Philip to get some bread when he saw him. He looked tired. But his face hardened when he saw Philip standing there and turned away dismissively. Philip clenched his jaw so that he wouldn’t react and then moved forward.

It was as if a dam had broken and now Lukas looked back every time Philip was in his line of vision. Every time he looked angrier than the last one. Philip didn’t get it. He was the one being with Rose, having sex with Rose, pretending everything was fine _with Rose_. Why was he so pissed off at Philip? Of course, Philip wouldn’t want to burst his fake little bubble with his presence, would he?

Greg must have noticed his zoning out, because as he was leaning against his locker a pair of lips connected with his own. Philip was so surprised he didn’t respond.

“Hey, where did you go off to?” Greg asked with a smile.

Philip looked from Greg to Lukas, only to find Lukas frozen on the spot with an indecipherable look on his face and Philip frowned. He turned back towards Greg and said, “It’s nothing.”

Philip could see Greg was going to ask something else, but he was literally saved by the bell. He had a class on the other side of the building and he had to leave. If he bumped not so accidentally against Lukas on the way there, nobody had to know.

But Philip didn’t make it to the classroom. On the way there, somebody grabbed his arm and he panicked for a moment that the killer had found him until he saw it was Lukas. He led him to the bathroom and Philip shook his arm out of Lukas’ hold. He didn’t get to speak before Lukas turned to him furious, and asked, “What the hell was that?”

Philip knew immediately what he was referring to. “It was a kiss,” he said with a deadpan look. Philip knew from experience Lukas was aware what a kiss felt like. And that train of thought should stop.

“Are you insane? Kissing a guy at school? Do you want to get beaten up?!” Lukas was in a frenzy as he asked all those questions.

Philip clenched his jaw at that, and said provokingly, “Why? Are you going to punch me again?”

Lukas didn’t punch him. Instead he smashed his lips against his in a ferocious kiss. It was as if he was trying to take all of his frustration out through it. It was as if he was trying to make Philip understand something, but Philip didn’t know what. He didn’t wait to find out. He almost got caught up in the feeling Lukas got out of him every single time, but this time it felt wrong. Not because of Greg. Sadly, Philip didn’t think about him when all that flashed in his mind was Lukas’ name. No, just the essence of this kiss felt wrong. So Philip pushed him away, saying “Stop, stop, just stop,” before Lukas finally did.

Philip stepped away from him, towards the sinks that were now there furthest place from Lukas. He ran a hand through his hair, angry at himself that he couldn’t stay away, furious at Lukas that he thought he could just take anything he wanted from Philip without asking. “I am done,” he said, wiping his mouth as if that could erase Lukas’ taste from his lips. “I am done existing only when you want to take something from me or you need a favor.” He looked away, trying to keep his tears away. Now it wasn’t the time for them to fall; not in front of _him_. He couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t stand being in the same room with him. He did the only thing he could do. He walked away, fast. But not before saying in Lukas’ direction, “I am done feeling used.”

 

* * *

 

_I am done feeling used._

That was all Lukas heard again and again. It was playing in his head like a broken record. Philip felt used. Philip thought Lukas was using him.

Was he?

Lukas couldn’t breathe. These past weeks had been hell and all he had been able to think about was Philip. The longer he was away from him, the more he wanted to be closer. And then Philip moved on. He found somebody else to be his friend and as it seemed something more than that. It should have made him happy. Philip had found somebody he could be himself with. Then why did it feel like a punch in the gut when that guy kissed Philip? Why was Lukas finding it so hard to breathe now?

He couldn’t stay here. He couldn’t be in these halls with the image of Philip kissing somebody that wasn’t Lukas following him at every turn. He needed to get out of here. He needed some air. He wanted to go home. He didn’t know if he kept the speed limit or not. It didn’t matter. Maybe if he fell from his bike, then everything would turn black. Maybe he would just stop _feeling_.

Lukas couldn’t understand why as he walked in his room he broke down. His knees stopped working, his eyesight turned blurry and the pain in his stomach felt like bombs were going off and he couldn’t control it. The tears fell and the memories escaped from the corner Lukas had pushed them in. All he saw was Philip. Kissing Philip at the cabin, kissing Philip in his room, kissing Philip behind the sheriff station, smashing things and drinking with Philip, trying to save the turkeys with him, kissing him outside the club and just… everything was coming into focus. Lukas was losing control and he didn’t know how to get it back.

_You’re into me. That’s what’s happening._

Was he? He was. He was attracted to Philip and he was blown away by the fact. He didn’t want to be that guy. He wasn’t meant to be that guy. He wasn’t raised to be that guy. He was raised to love Rose, get married, have a bunch of children and take over the farm one day, keep up the traditions his family has been loyal to for the past hundred years. He wasn’t supposed to like a guy, but he did. He didn’t know what was wrong with him.

_I’m not gonna be your little bitch. You can’t hit me in the face, not wanna be seen with me like I’m some freak…_

Philip had asked him to decide and all Lukas could say was, “What’s there to decide?”

Why couldn’t he see that Lukas couldn’t be who Philip was?

Then why did Lukas miss Philip so much it had created a dark hole inside of him no else could fill?

Philip had been worried about Tommy and all Lukas could think was, “they can’t know, they can’t find out.” And what did he do about it? He pushed him on the wall with force he didn’t know he could ever direct at Philip and kissed him. He kissed him slowly and as gently as he knew how. “Please, Philip. Don’t, don’t tell.” Had he manipulated Philip into not telling on him? Had he silenced him with a kiss he had promised himself he wouldn’t give him anymore?

Lukas just couldn’t stand being away from him. Lukas just wanted him to see that if he told, Lukas wouldn’t be able to be with Philip. There was no way in hell his father would let him. And Lukas, he wanted, he wanted so much to be close to Philip even though he had no idea how to be without his whole world burning to the ground. He wanted it so much his stomach hurt.

But did Philip see it the same way? Lukas didn’t think so, and he couldn’t blame him for it.

_Why did-why did you kiss me earlier? Because you wanted to or because you didn’t want me to tell?_

He had asked him why and Lukas didn’t know why. All he knew was that he liked him and he wasn’t supposed to like him, not the way that he did. He wasn’t supposed to want to kiss him, or hold his hand, or hug him every time those brown eyes locked with his own. He wasn’t supposed to want to know how that body felt against his, how his hands would feel on his skin. But he wanted to know so badly.

If his father knew, he would disown him. Maybe worse.

_The guy, I’m standing right behind him. I’m holding the frying pan, but I can’t move. He shoots you. And then he turns and looks straight at me, he’s gonna kill me._

He shoots Philip and Lukas can’t move. He can’t breathe. He can’t go to Philip and be there for him, tell him to stay with him. He stands helpless while screaming at his own brain to just _do_ something, while at the same time he faces the killer and thinks, ‘shoot me. It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.’

_I don’t know anything about you._

But he knew a lot about him, didn’t he? No. he didn’t. Not really. When has Lukas ever seriously talked with him? All he had done was kiss him, and drink with him and smashed things. But he had also felt things, found out emotions he didn’t know he could have. He had been happy. Every moment Philip even remotely smiled at him, made his stomach flutter in a way Lukas didn’t know how to explain. Philip knew him enough, just like Lukas knew Philip.

_I mean I don’t want to hang out anymore._

God, Philip had told him in every way he knew how that the lines regarding what they were, were blurred and Lukas didn’t listen. He kept on worrying about people finding out, all the time looking over his shoulder. He avoided Philip like he was a pest and Lukas couldn’t believe what he had done in order to stay hidden, in order to bury his true feelings ten feet under. He had hurt Philip in every way possible, had made him think he was using him and now he was gone. He had moved on and Lukas was left behind to pick up the pieces.

He couldn’t believe this. This wasn’t who he was. He didn’t use people. He didn’t punch them just because they talked to him. He didn’t bind them with a secret even he found hard to bear. He didn’t hurt them while demeaning them when all he wanted to do was make them smile. This wasn’t who Lukas was! What was wrong with him?

He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t live a lie. No lie made up for no Philip in his life. No lie was worth the pain he had caused him. What had his father taught him? That we don’t hurt the people we love. And Lukas had hurt the one he loved the most. He had to make it right. No. He was going to make it right tomorrow.

That’s what he told himself over and over again, and as the tears subsided, he moved to the bed, praying that Philip would forgive him.

 

* * *

 

_“Come over after school?”_

_“Please. I need to apologize.”_

_Lukas watched as Philip frowned down at his own phone. He was sitting again with that guy and Lukas hated it. He hated that all he had left were these stolen glances and distance that as far as he walked down it, he couldn’t seem to close. He hated that Philip was sitting two tables away and Lukas still couldn’t make his feet move there. He hated that Philip found someone else, someone he could be open with and kiss him at any possible moment; someone that wasn’t Lukas. He hated that the most. It burned watching Philip connect his lips with_ his _. It made his stomach twist, but he couldn’t look away. He wanted to be him so desperately. He had to do something, anything to make Philip look at him once again._

 _He watched as Philip locked eyes with his own. He tried to plead through his gaze, try to make him see his sincerity. He just wanted one more chance._ He gave you plenty, _his mind supplied unhelpfully._

One last chance, _he begged silently._

_He stood frozen as Philip clenched his jaw, looking away minutely, his hand clenching around his phone. Next thing he knew, it was as if Philip had made a choice, shoving his phone back in his pocket without hitting reply, and smirked at the other guy who was sitting in front of him. Lukas had no idea what that choice was. He could only hope it was the right one._

 

* * *

_When school ended he went to his bike and waited for Philip to come out. Maybe he’d tell him if he was coming or not, and maybe Lukas could offer him a ride wherever he wanted to go. But Philip ignored him. It was as if he didn’t exist. He passed right in front of him and went to the bus. He knew Lukas was there; Lukas saw his body tense right as he passed him by, but he didn’t stop. He just… walked away. Lukas tried to hold his disappointment back, his despair. Pretty sure he failed. Maybe Philip would come over later. Maybe he was still trying to abide by Lukas’ wish to stay away at school. He’d come over later. He’d ride his bike to Lukas’ house just like he had before. Lukas repeated that in his head, finding consolation in the words._

_He didn’t waste any more time. He wore his helmet and got on his bike. As he revved the engine, he felt a hand on his arm trying to stop him and Rose’s voice suddenly reached his ears, “-kas, what the hell? You’re supposed to give me a ride home!” Lukas didn’t respond. He merely shrugged her hand off of him and sped out of the parking lot._

_Philip was coming over. He had to._

 

* * *

_It’s been two hours since school ended and Philip hadn’t shown up. Lukas tried to distract himself with completing his chores, but eventually everything came back to Philip. He couldn’t help but picture him with the other guy the way he had been with Lukas. He saw the other guy stare at Philip’s pale chest, kiss down his toned body and it made his blood boil. He was currently pacing across his room, trying to stop his imagination from running to places he wouldn’t be able to come back from. He caught movement from the corner of his eye, and for a minute he thought he would need to come up with an excuse to tell his father and fast, until he stopped and saw Philip leaning against the doorframe with an unreadable look on his face, almost calculating. Still, Lukas was relieved. “You came,” Lukas couldn’t help but point out._

_Philip’s gaze was still intense as he said, “Why am I here?”_

Why are you? _Lukas almost asked._ You know I like you. _He pushed the memory away regardless of the statement’s truth. He was trying to do better. He wanted to. He gulped before he found the courage to say, “I need to-I need to apologize.” Philip didn’t respond. He kept on staring. Lukas could see he wasn’t going to make this easy, but Lukas was determined to fix this. “I’ve been such a jerk to you. You didn’t-” the words were hard to come out, for Lukas to admit what had been really haunting him, “you didn’t deserve any of it. You were there and I-I was terrified.”_

_“Of me?” Philip spoke for the first time, the emotion in his voice unrecognizable._

_Lukas looked at him steadily as he told Philip the truth he was hesitant to admit even to his own self. “Of what I feel about you. Of what happens in my head every time I’m around you. Everything blacks out. Everything but you and I have no idea why.” If Lukas’ voice broke a couple of times, Philip didn’t say anything about it. So many words, and still no apology, even though Lukas knew there were many things to apologize for. It was difficult for Lukas to use his words, it has been for a long time. But he had to try. He had to try for Philip. So, he went on, “I-I’m sorry, okay? For everything I put you through, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to handle it, I still don’t, but I’m trying. I promise Philip. I’m trying to do better.”_

_“What are you trying to say, Lukas?”_

_Lukas gulped again, and took a step forward as he said, “I want things to go back to how they were. I miss you Philip. I know you’re with him and that you’re happy, but I-” Lukas didn’t get to finish as Philip interrupted him._

_“I’m not,” he simply said._

_“What?” Lukas was confused._

_Philip took a step towards Lukas as he said, “I’m not happy with him. He’s not…” by this time they were standing a couple inches away from each other. Philip looked Lukas in the eyes and admitted, “He’s not you.”_

_Lukas couldn’t hold back anymore. He held Philip’s face in his hands as gently as he knew how and connected his lips with Philip’s. All this time, the memory of them had been taunting him in his sleep, when he was awake, every time he felt a wrong pair of lips against his own. Lukas missed him and wanted him with a fire he never wanted to put out. As Philip kissed him back, he only hoped Philip felt the same way._

_Philip broke the kiss first, and even though Lukas tried to chase his mouth, Philip didn’t give in. “Wait,” he said. “This can’t be like before.” For a moment Lukas’ heart shattered until Philip went on. ‘You can’t keep treating me like I’m a freak, like I’m the last person on earth you want to be around to. I’m not something you can use, Lukas.”_

_Lukas locked eyes with Philip, and replied honestly, “You never were. I never-” What? He never used him? That’s not completely true. Maybe he had. Maybe Lukas was too late to realize it. All he knew was that he never meant to do it. “I never meant to do that. You’re not a freak. You’re… Philip. My Philip,” Lukas said and waited for his reaction. The smile he got in return was enough to make him say it again as he kissed him, “My Philip.”_

_Philip broke the kiss again, but this time it was because he was smiling too much. “Am I now?” Philip said with a smirk._

_“If you want to be.” Lukas felt his cheeks warm with color, but he didn’t back down._

_Philip didn’t get to respond as a voice was heard from the doorway, immediately breaking the spell they were in. “As charming as your declaration is, that’s not going to happen.”_

And just like that, Lukas’ dream turned into a nightmare.

_Both boys turned around and froze at what they saw. The killer was standing in the doorway with a fake smile on his face. He was a man in his late thirties with black hair that was slicked back with gel. The most striking feature was his blue eyes that contrasted with his tan skin. He wore an FBI badge around his neck and neither of the boys could believe how a killer could be an FBI agent. They didn’t get to react before the killer went on speaking, “I admit you were not easy to find. Giving that boy your jacket, smart move.”_

_Philip didn’t know how to react. He knew that was directed at him; he was talking about Tommy, he was twisting his fear and guilt so expertly as if he knew his darkest secrets. “I-I didn’t-” he started to say, but Lukas stepped almost in front of him as if he was trying to protect him from the man and said, “How did you find us?”_

_The killer shrugged as he walked in the room. “You left the cabin on a motocross bike.” He walked towards the bookshelf in Lukas’ room and grabbed a book at random, placing it back when it didn’t catch his interest. “Turns out, not many people in Tivoli own one.”_

_“What do you want from us? We haven’t told anyone!” Lukas was scared. The killer had found them just like Philip had feared he would and they were cornered. His bedroom was on the second floor and there was nothing but hard dirt right behind it. Even if they managed to jump out of the window, they would definitely break something and the man would catch up. There was nothing they could use as a weapon unless that was a pen or a pencil. Lukas felt helpless._

_The killer responded calmly, “I’m here to just tie up loose ends,” and as he said that, he took a gun out of his belt. He smiled at them, “Don’t worry, you’ll get the forever kind or romance. Very Romeo and Juliet on your part.”_

_Lukas froze, his mind going back to the night at the cabin, moving on to the nightmare he had had ever since then, where the man killed Philip and Lukas couldn’t move. This was the same thing, only it went differently._

_Philip step from behind Lukas to stand right next to him, trying to remind him with his shoulder rubbing against Lukas’ that this wasn’t that dream. Philip was here. He wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t know at the time how wrong he had been to silently promise him that. He pointed out, “You can’t leave any more bodies. Helen will find you.”_

_The older man nodded at his observation. “You’re right. That’s why I won’t leave any bodies behind this time.” Before either of the boys knew it Philip was in the killer’s hold facing Lukas now, feeling very clearly the barrel of the gun against the back of his neck. He felt the killer move close to his ear as he said, “You’re coming with me. And if your friend wants you alive, he’ll keep his mouth shut.”_

_Philip didn’t get to respond before Lukas was taking a step forward shouting, “Like hell I will! I’ll tell Helen everything!”_

_Philip felt more than heard the safety of the gun go off and he knew one wrong move and neither Philip nor Lukas would get out of this alive. “Tell him,” the man ordered. “Tell your boyfriend to keep his mouth shut and move on.” Philip hesitated. If Lukas went to Helen, they’d find him, right? Helen would catch the killer. But as he felt the gun being pressed even harder against his skin, he knew there was no way out of this. “Come on, say goodbye,” the man insisted._

_If he didn’t Philip knew he would kill them without hesitation like he had done many times before. And Philip needed Lukas to live. So he swallowed once and said, “Forget-”_

_“Philip, no,” Lukas spoke over him, but Philip didn’t stop._

_“-about me, Lukas.”_

_God, it hurt to say that. Lukas could see it. He could see the tears in the corner of Philip’s eyes. He could see Philip felt just as helpless Lukas did, but Lukas wasn’t giving up. “I won’t.”_

_“It’s over,” Philip said as the man started pulling him away._

_Lukas made to follow yelling, “Philip, don’t!” until the killer gave him a critical look that made him stop in his tracks._

_“Just go,” Philip said and then they both disappeared out of his line of vision. He heard a gunshot right after and Lukas screamed in terror._

That was the last thing Lukas remembered before he woke up screaming, “NO!” Lukas couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t feel anything other than the fear that was consuming him. He was vaguely aware he was crying, but he couldn’t keep this up. He couldn’t go on like this. Philip was in danger. Philip could die because Lukas was too busy trying to hide behind his own finger, trying to bury something that would eventually be found out either way. Lukas couldn’t let that happen. He refused to live in a world where Philip wasn’t in it. Was he in it? Or was the dream a premonition?

He had to warn Helen. He had to see Philip. He couldn’t breathe without him. He didn’t want to _live_ without him.

 

* * *

 

Philip woke up to a series of bangs coming from downstairs. He was disoriented for a moment until he heard Helen and Gabe’s panicked voices. Something was wrong. He jumped out of the bed and made his way downstairs until he heard something and froze.

 _“Philip?! Where’s Philip?!”_ Lukas was here. Lukas was yelling for him. Something was very, very wrong. Lukas needed him and yet, Philip was frozen on the spot.

Philip heard Helen’s voice then, _“He’s asleep. Lukas, what’s wrong?”_

Lukas sounded breathless as he replied, and as the words sank in, Philip got an idea of what was really going on. _“I need to see- I need to see him, please. He’s got him. That man’s got him and I was too late. I couldn’t move and he-”_

Another nightmare. Another dream where Philip died and Lukas couldn’t save him. He didn’t even want to imagine how real it must have been for him to sound like that. He didn’t wait any longer. Even as Gabe said, _“Hey, Lukas. Hey, breathe with me”_ Philip was already downstairs looking at Lukas horrified. His eyes were red from crying, his chest was moving too fast, making him unable to breathe and his eyes were frantically looking around until he found Philip. Suddenly, Philip had an armful of Lukas wrapped around him, pressing his face against Philip’s neck, whispering again and again, “you’re here, you’re alive, I’m sorry.”

Philip wrapped one hand around Lukas’ waist the other in his hair and kissed him again and again on his temple while whispering, “I’m here. I’m okay. Breathe with me. Breath, Lukas,” not caring that his foster parents were looking at them confused and worried out of their minds. He saw Helen make a move towards the phone and Philip knew she was going to call Bo and he couldn’t have that. Not when he has seen Lukas be terrified of him. “Don’t,” he said and stopped her. “I’ve got this.”

Helen shook her head at him and said, “Philip, his father has a right to know.”

“Trust me,” Philip tried one last time. Helen relented and nodded at him. Now that Lukas was calmer, Philip moved them to the couch. Helen and Gabe stood by the doorway and Philip was suddenly grateful for the distance. Lukas was still wrapped around him, shaking and crying silently, but he was able to breathe now. Philip didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. Just held Lukas as tight as he could, moving his hand up and down his back gently, his other one still keeping Lukas’ head in place, caressing his hair every once in a while.

He didn’t know how long they were like that. But at some point, Lukas pulled back, the fear in his eyes taking Philip by surprise. “We need to tell, Philip. We need to-I can’t- I can’t lose you. Please, Philip.”

Philip looked into his eyes, wishing he could read his mind, wishing he knew if the nightmare was speaking or if Lukas was tired of hiding from the killer and from himself. “Are you sure?” Philip asked, his voice as gentle as he could make it be.

“Yes,” Lukas nodded. “Helen needs to know.”

“What do I need to know?” Helen asked with a frown.

Philip didn’t look away from Lukas’ eyes, trying to find any clue in the blue about how to proceed. Philip didn’t speak. If Lukas wanted to tell, then he would. He needed to be sure that it was Lukas’ choice, not his own.

It was as if Lukas had found what he was looking for and then he turned to Helen with a confidence he lacked a moment before and said, “We were there. At the cabin. We saw a man kill three others.”

And that’s how the wall Lukas had built around him broke. It broke and everything he had been trying to deny came out of him as he told Helen about everything that happened since that night. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t be afraid anymore. It was exhausting. And he realized he was not the only one being hurt in the process. Once, he finished explaining, he took a breath and silently asked, “Can-can I stay here tonight? My father will kill me if he finds out.”

“You’re father needs to know, Lukas,” Gabe added in a gentle voice.

“I know. I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

And that’s how Philip and Lukas found themselves in Philip’s bed, still wrapped around each other, Lukas with his head on Philip’s chest, while Philip played with his hair. “He took you,” Lukas said.

Philip pushed him up gently to look in his eyes. “What?” he asked confused.

“We were in my room. I called you to apologize for lying, for refusing to be me even though you’re the only person I can be myself with. I asked you to be mine, and then he walked in. He took you. He took you from me and I couldn’t move. He had a gun against your neck and I couldn’t risk it. I’m so sorry, Philip. You told me to forget about you, and I- I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to.”

Lukas was almost crying again, avoiding Philip’s eyes as he spoke. This was the most he had ever told him and Philip could feel the pain in his belly intensifying. But this time it was a good pain. It was the best he had ever felt. “What did you say exactly?” Philip asked with a smile and somehow Lukas understood what he meant.

Lukas blushed and looked down at his own fingers that were playing with the t-shirt that was covering Philip’s chest. “I called you my Philip.”

Philip put his fingers under Lukas’ chin and pushed it up gently. Once their eyes locked with the other’s, Philip couldn’t help but lean in a bit as he asked, his voice almost a whisper, “Am I?”

Lukas’ eyes searched his own for a moment, licking his lips before he said, “If you want to.”

Philip smiled then, a smile that he knew was only for Lukas to see and said, “I do.”

Neither of them said another word. As their lips connected the whole world faded and time stopped for a moment just for them, as if somehow the universe knew they needed this, they needed each other. They needed to feel the other’s body against their own, feeling their hearts beating under their fingertips. This moment was for them where no murderer existed, where no murderer could find them, where no homophobic parents and classmates were waiting for them around the corner, where no sheriff was waiting to talk to them. This was just them, nobody else.

Lukas pulled apart first, panting for air and looking at Philip as if he never wanted another sight in front of him. “My Philip,” Lukas whispered into the night, and somehow it was the best sound Philip had ever heard. “What about that guy?”

Philip shook his head and said, “It’s over. He wasn’t you. Nobody’s ever going to be you.”

He knew things were not going to be easy. He knew they needed to talk and clear things up, make the lines between them more visible. They both knew they were going to fight about silly things or even important ones. But it didn’t matter at the moment. They had each other and for that moment it was enough. And even if it wasn’t enough for their future, they were willing to fight for each other.

_You know, if my mom was alive, maybe I’d tell her about you too._

Lukas told her. He told her everything and admitted for the first time that Philip might be more than just his first boyfriend, more like his first love, a love he didn’t want to ever end.

They were the only truth they knew. Everything came back to the other somehow and they wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think? Was it any good? 
> 
> Come talk with me on [tumblr](http://puddingwillbeouralways.tumblr.com/) where I post Philkas, Sterek and Malec basically. And other things.
> 
> Btw, I made [my first gifset](http://puddingwillbeouralways.tumblr.com/post/153784395479/ill-drive-highways-and-byways-to-be-there-with) for Philkas! 
> 
> Anyway, comment or leave Kudos if you liked it :)  
> -RC


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